Sunday, April 4, 2010

The State of In Between

Ever had a period of time where you felt you were in between? Where things feel completely out of sorts from what you knew was normal?

I've felt that several times in my life. Once, after graduating college and getting married, we moved into my mom's place for a month (way before Jake was born.) It all felt surreal; we weren't meant to be there. We moved back to Alabama where we had been before going to mom's.

I had Jacob via C-section, the recovery period was long and for all intents and purposes, I was alone. It felt surreal the first few months, having this child and not knowing what in the world I was supposed to be doing.

Another surreal time was having Isabel. The help was MUCH better (David was a complete hands-on dad, and I was astounded at the difference), but the 3 months off work and being home with another C-section made my life feel like it was on pause. I physically felt off. I was looking at life through weird lenses.

Everything eventually goes back to a new normalcy, as it always does.

Jacob's surgery and recovery have been hard. An insurance "review" took a week to get approved so they could send us a machine we needed for his recovery. One lost spring-break-vacation week. Lost. So now, school starts tomorrow and he cannot go with this machine attached to his body. I won't do that to him.

This week has felt surreal. My sister's been staying with us, a helping hand. A nurse has been coming over every other day to help out. Jacob goes from calm to panic and screams during her visits. I was asked by my step-mom how I could handle it. How can I not? I am his parent. I have no choice at all, and it's not like "Boy, I wish I could leave" because it's not. It's a "I had this child, he is mine, he is my responsibility, I helped make him and this is just a point in our lives that we will look back on and think 'wow, remember that horrible time we got through?'" thing.

Life looks different as I type. It's surreal. Tomorrow, I will be late to work. I have to go to his school and explain why Jacob will not be in all week, maybe two weeks now. I need to get his school work. I have to leave here and work. I have to leave him to work. Thankfully my sister Brenda is still here, making her own life surreal while helping us with ours.

I just want to be at the "wow, remember that horrible time we got through?" phase already.


Ami said...

The 'wow, remember that?' phase is really a lot more comfortable for sure.

I hope you're there soon. And that your son is doing fine long before that.

And your word recognition says 'trogshoes'

Trogshoes? Wow.

Ari C'rona said...

{{hugs}} :o/

Niki said...

This is it.
Sometimes it makes me shake my head.
Good luck; you'll all be fine.

Big Sis said...

Don't worry, I think this is where I am meant to be right now. So it's ok. I feel like I have a purpose helping you with Jacob and I am thankful I can help. It's weird, you might think I am helping you, but I think YOU guys (family♥)have helped me see that Living Life with LOVE/FAMILY and taking it one day at a time is more important than anything.