Monday, October 14, 2013

Florida Theme Parks 101

Dear Tourists Coming to Theme Parks in Florida:
Dear Florida People Coming to Theme Parks in Florida:

This is "Florida Theme Parks 101."  I will be your instructor, Kaaren Noseypantserson.  This class will instruct you on the hows and whys of navigating Florida theme parks.  (I like to call this class "Kaaren's Pet Peeves" to myself.  Don't tell the head honchos though.)

  • Have your $$ already ready to pay for parking.  This is not a surprise, the paying of parking, so why are you waiting before you dig our your purse/wallet?
  • After you have parked, walk IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR to get to the trams, or moving sidewalks etc.  WHY are you walking in the empty spaces that other cars need to park in?!? You're going to get killed, and you're slowing the traffic flow down.  Pay attention.
  • BIG PET PEEVE ALERT: You have just arrived at the Universal Orlando, you CANNOT be tired already, so why are you on the moving sidewalks, standing still, standing three-abreast?  Move over to the right if you're not going to walk. If you're already this tired, I feel for you and the rest of your day.  Stand to the right, walk to the left, don't block the way for others (ME) trying to keep walking. Also, DON'T take your stroller on there.  It says so RIGHT THERE; No strollers.
On the Moving Walkway

In the Parks: The fine art of walking:
  • We walk on the right here.  Please do the same.
  • If you are a party of 10, don't feel the need to walk 10-abreast.  Seriously.  Why are you taking up the entire sidewalk?  And also...
  • Don't randomly decide, en masse, to STOP mid-stride to discuss where you want to go next.  This causes EVERYONE behind you to try and not run into you, or everyone else.  It's crowded people!
Photo from

In the Parks: What the heck are you wearing?:
  •'s scary.  Why aren't you wearing a bra, random 50 year old British lady in the fluorescent tank top?  
  • High heels. Really? Yes, you're a gorgeous foreigner, but heels?
  • BIG PET SKEEVE ALERT: Why are you wearing flip-flops?  I stepped on your toes, why? Because your group of 10 stopped  right in front of me.  Those flip-flops just skeeve me out.  Dirty toes, no arch support at all, corns, calloused heels,  toenails...Ick.   I think my feet are ugly too, hence you'll never see me in flip flops at a theme park.  
  • Shirts with foul language.  This is a family theme park. Yes, yes, you rebel, you, wearing your "F**K You" shirt so everyone can see.  It's never been done before. Nice. We're all impressed.
Final Note:
  • Body odor in cramped spaces is no fun at all.  Make sure you pack your deodorant and use it.  Don't be stinky tourist gal.  


Ari C'rona said...

Excellent rules for any theme park or public place with lots of people! :o)

Vicky/Bling/Sh0ewh0re7 said...


Niki said...

We need to post this at the entrance to all the parks!!!

Debbie St.Amand said...

Also: Putting your child on your shoulders to view the parade may seem like a fine idea, unless you happen to consider the folks standing behind you!

Debbie, freshly back from the Magic Kingdom's Halloween Party